For more than fifteen years, I’ve been walking the path of spirituality, consciousness awakening, and inner liberation.

I’ve always felt a force inside me pushing me to grow, to go beyond myself, sometimes even to transcend who I thought I was. For a long time, it felt like it was either move forward… or die.

But the more I advance, the more I realize that this path is anything but linear. The more I learn, the less I know. The more I discover, the more my certainties crumble. In the beginning, what drives us is the search for peace. We believe that as we progress, we’ll naturally get closer to it. Reality is often far more complex.

Books talk about this — the warnings, the shadows, the difficult phases. But we don’t always read them. Or we don’t want to read them. So when the experiences hit us, we often find ourselves unprepared.

I’ve gone through several phases of awakening. Some luminous, others brutal. The first ones feel like they belong to another lifetime. I barely remember who I was before. My life has changed so many times, sometimes in just a few months. I’ve been lucky in my misfortune… but things could have been much smoother.

These past four years without working, thanks to my father’s inheritance, have given me extraordinary experiences. I’m deeply grateful for them. But now that these resources are slowly fading, I’m realizing how unfit I feel for society. I already knew it, but I thought I’d manage somehow.

I still trust myself and trust life. But being fully grounded in the material world — earning money, producing something, selling something — feels strangely distant. I wasn’t ready for this level of complexity.

Lately, I’ve been wondering if something is “wrong” with me. ADHD, ASD, something else… I recognize certain patterns. I’m considering getting diagnosed. But would it really help me feel more grounded, less alone?

Some people say that after certain awakenings, everything becomes blurry. The familiar disappears. You float in an ocean of uncertainty. It’s not the peace you were seeking. It’s a silent chaos.

You wonder if you got lost along the way. If you took the wrong path. But apparently, this confusion is normal. When the ego collapses, the emptiness feels strange.

And the hardest part is not knowing how long it will last. Weeks, months, years.

I just hope I’m closer to the end than the beginning.